THE PRESSURE IS GETTING WESSER

“I am seeing someone.” Lotanna spoke.

I watched as the other girls on the table squealed in excitement- except for me.

I could feel my heart crumble at this news and all I needed right now was for the ground to open and swallow me up.

You may wonder, why the ugly reaction from me? Did I have feelings for Lotanna?

No.

There was only one reason why I felt this sudden crack in my heart.

Jealousy.

Or maybe anger.

Or maybe anxiety.

Or maybe bitterness.

Or maybe… feeling forgotten.

Here we were, four best friends from law school, sitting in the middle of Drumstix restaurant during our office lunch break.

Their office lunch break. Because I was unemployed.

Lotanna, Ebun and Saratu were my three best girls from our Nigerian Law School. Law school was the beginning of our journey of life together as sisters. I was an only daughter of two in my family, so these girls were my world.

But the question remained… was I theirs?

When the results of our Bar Final Exams came out, I was the only one in the group that failed and had to take resit exams. Alone.

I passed my resit exams and was called to the Nigerian Bar. Alone.

By the time I was starting my NYSC camp, the girls were receiving their NYSC certificate.

By the time I was done with NYSC, Lotanna began working in CBN, Ebun was married and pregnant, while Saratu was engaged to her boss.

That was six months ago.

Now, sitting in the middle of Drumstix, I was reminded again that I was the black sheep in the group. The forgotten one. The one that was always and will always be left behind.

A failure.

No talent.

No money.

No job.

No man. Not even close.

No hope.

I was stuck in the middle of nowhere. I could not go back in time to fix anything and I had no idea where I was headed.

And Lotanna announcing that she finally has a man meant one thing; I would be alone for a long time. A very very long time.

Lotanna had always been my companion whenever the girls were busy with their men and family.

Now that she had someone, I just knew how the story was going to go. No one would have my time again.

The girls were all two steps ahead of me in life.

And what hurts the most was that I had to be happy for them. I was. But being in their circle triggered more hopelessness in me.

It made me feel like that one lost sheep God had forgotten existed. And I was all alone, surviving. Not living.

“Ruth?” Ebun snapped her fingers in my face, bringing me back to reality.

“Are you angry with me?” Lotanna asked me, guilt written all over her face.

I picked up my water and scoffed, “No. Why would I be?”

“So you’re okay with me dating your brother?”

I spat out the water from my mouth and began choking. On water.

My what?

“Wait. You and Josiah are dating?” I asked, still not believing my ears.

The pressure… is getting wesser.

Everything was just happening in MY FACE. I couldn’t even take a break.

There were one million questions I wanted to blow up in Lotanna’s face. Since when? How? What? What do you see in him? That ugly goat? That annoying fish? Chineke.

But all I could say was, “What matters is that you’re happy.”

Now, I didn’t just want the ground to swallow me up, I wanted it to bury me alive so that no one would know I exist anymore.

After lunch, Ebun pulled me to the side to talk to me alone.

“It hurts, doesn’t it?” She asked me in concern. “To feel left behind.”

She noticed. Finally, somebody noticed.

“Not really. I mean-”

“You don’t have to deny it, Ruth. Being in denial will only worsen the pain.”

“What do you know about pain?” I questioned her. After all, she had everything I didn’t have.

“I had a dream last night. You were standing in a queue with a bunch of people holding their baggage in their hand.” She touched my shoulder, giving me this concerned look, “And yours was the heaviest.”

I looked back at her, trying to sink in her words.

“Only you know what’s inside yours.” She added, “But I heard God say you should let it go. Maybe then, you can find the answer you’re looking for.”

She squeezed my shoulders before leaving for her car.

I stood in the same spot, holding onto my heavy heart. My heavy baggage.

Soon, little droplets of rain began falling from the sky. As the rain increased, so did my cry.

Suddenly, there was an outpour. Both from the sky and from my heart. I could not hold back the agony in my chest. I let it all out because it hurts. It just hurts.

But the worst part of it all, it was hard. It was hard to let go. Let go of everything that piled up the baggage in my heart.

I wanted to fix everything. I wanted to keep applying for the jobs. I wanted to keep swiping on the dating apps. I wanted to keep trying new things. Even though not a single one has worked out for me.

My brother would always tell me that I had internal boxing gloves on the inside. That I was always so hard on myself.

For once, he might be right.